Me: So. I hear you have a girrrlfriend
14-year old boy: OH MY GOD
Ok guys are there any Chinese readers out there? Or any non-Chinese readers who know a shit ton about Fung Shui? I have become a little obsessed with it this weekend ever since idly mapping out our home and then discovering that oh, no big deal, just the ENTIRE love and marriage section of our home is missing.
Like, the back right part of our house forms an L-shape, perfectly excluding the entire section. W. T. F?! How could this happen? Don’t building inspectors check this kind of thing anymore? What is the world coming to?!
It all makes so much sense now! No wonder Adam has been getting so upset that I consistently shrink his favorite shirts, no wonder I can’t stop nagging him to stop leaving beer cans behind the toilet (SO DEMANDING!).
It’s the fung shui! It was always the fung shui! (When I told him about this and showed him the Bagua map he was so relieved that he rolled his eyes and let out an audible fart! Marital bliss is already headed our way and it smells like eggs.)
I spent an hour or so today lugging two giant rocks to place at the corner of the missing Love & Marriage section, (If my neighbours didn’t think I was crazy before with the clothes line and the push mower and the Gus de-shedding rubdowns, they do now!) because The Internets tells me that will fix this problem? Yes?
What I also learned (and this is what I need your help with) is that I had a mirror placed opposite of our bedroom window, which I thought was awesome because it reflected the light and made it look like two windows, but from my obsessive research I think this might be bad? Am I bouncing luck out of my house? The mirror is blue for aesthetic reasons, should it be gold or red or something? What if I think gold is tacky? And by red do you mean hot pink because I can get behind that. Should I put it somewhere else to increase wealth?
Guys, HELP! I have two big rocks in my backyard, an improperly placed mirror and beer cans behind my toilet – you tell me, this house be saved?