Halloween

I have come up with a deeelightful family Halloween costume this year – oh yes, I am going to push the the family costumes until either Adam or Olive rebels. Who will crack first? How far can I push this? Stay tuned!

Anyway. I thought I’d compile some photos from our costumes in previous years, in no particular order.

As always, Gus wins.

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Gus circa 2011, as Alan from The Hangover

 

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2012, Olive as a bunny, me as a bleary-eyed new mom, proud that she showered today.

2012, Olive as a bunny, me as a bleary-eyed new mom, proud that she showered today.

 

 

2011. Adam as Alan from The Hangover (who wore it better?) and would you look at those pants?! Me as a witch.

2011. Adam as Alan from The Hangover (who wore it better?) and would you look at those pants?!
Me as a witch.

2010. You’re welcome for the modesty patch.

 

 

Umm.. the nineties sometime? Maybe 1990? Making me seven...ish? A SPIDER! Check our all of those homemade costumes. Nary a franchise or licensed character to be seen.

Umm.. the nineties sometime? Maybe 1990? Making me seven…ish? A SPIDER! Check our all of those homemade costumes. Nary a franchise or licensed character to be seen.

 

Three week old Olive. Oh my gahhhh so little look at those hands I need a moment.

Three week old Olive. Oh my gahhhh so little look at those hands I need a moment.

 

 

2005, me as a lion. Rawr. I kind of like the crimped hair look.

2005, me as a lion. Rawr. I kind of like the crimped hair look.

aaaand this:

Gus as Lady Gaga. Lady Da-Ga?

See? Gus always wins.

Olive and I are heading out today to gather a few extra bits and pieces for our costumes, the better to dress up with my dear!

 

 

 

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Boo!

           

Last night was hilarious. I keep having to remind myself that Halloween proper hasn’t happened yet – the big kids have had their party and now it’s time for the REAL kids. I guess I should get some Halloween candy or something?

As for these big kids, after much procrastinating and dillydallying, at 5:00pm yesterday I decided that Halloween was happening and we were going out that night and we were going to have fun dammit!

I started racing around to the second hand stores in our town looking for something quick and cheap to put together. Maybe it was because of the Zach Galifianakis kick I’ve been on lately but when I saw a baby carrier I knew Adam had to go as the one-man wolf pack from The Hangover.

I managed to find a cabbage patch doll, onesie and baby toque and a friend lent Adam some white jeans (OH MY GOD the tightest jeans I’ve ever seen on Adam in my entire life, it was awesome I never had to ask him if he had his keys or his phone because I could see them. IN HIS PANTS).

As for me, I happened across a delightful black wig with bangs and volume and curls and oooh la la! I had to have it, so I began brainstorming what I could possibly dress up as that would necessitate the wearing of a luxe black wig. Unfortunately my brain was fried and shops were closing in five minutes so I decided on the old standby – a witch.

I used my dress from the glamour photos, bought some tights, painted my nails and applied false eyelashes – a $1.99 hat later and *cue witchy cackle* I was ready to wreak havoc.

                

Adam got a little…attached to the wig. I’m not going to lie to you, it got weird. He may have drunkenly cried when I took it off at the end of the night. But hey! Just another topic for when we eventually end up in marital therapy! (man are we going to get our moneys worth because this list is getting LONG.)

We met up with some friends (one dressed in an amazing Poison Ivy costume) and early at some point during the evening Adam popped out to the liquor store for provisions.

Apparently on the way there someone saw him walking and obviously didn’t get the movie reference, “Oh man! Great costume!” he said enthusiastically, “Nothing’s scarier than a dude with a baby!”

Adam was caught off guard (I like to imagine that his brain exploded with the possibility that someone with a penis has NOT seen The Hangover) and as he struggled to regain his sense of time and space and his particular place in the universe, the guy continued, “Ooh and look, it’s like the baby’s high fiving!”

Aaaaand so for the rest of the night, if anyone asked what Adam was, the answer invariably came, “Man with high-fiving baby”.

Costumes I wish I had thought of:

BLACK SWAN! Oh my god! Why?! I would have LOVED to be Black Swan! I saw it done twice, and both times it was poorly executed, I would have ROCKED the shit out of that costume (if the component parts were available to be purchased at 5:00pm that evening, that is)

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: A girl at the bar had this costume, she looked absolutely amazing. She had applied scars to her face and everything! I think I freaked her out a little because there was a costume contest and she didn’t win (I KNOW) but first of all, before we get to that particular injustice, there’s this one: a man dressed up as a Mexican, in a costume bought IN A BAG from WalMart was also one of the runner-ups.

Hey buddy, you can’t buy your costume in a BAG from WalMart for $19.99 and win a costume contest. How do I know it was from WalMart? Because during my panicked hunt for costumes I remember taking three precious minutes to stand in front of the costume display ranting about “how could a multinational corporation possibly be selling this schlock?!” and “Being Mexican is a culture, a nationality, an ethnicity – NOT A COSTUME FOR FUCK SAKES!”

Then, (oh dear, this tangent is growing) I happened across these posters and thought it was fabulous that this was finally being addressed.

                   

          (Image via Resistance to Racist Halloween Costumes, on Sociological Images)

I don’t have a problem with girls dressing up in slutty costumes, I’m not really into slut-shaming, I DO however have a problem with the fact that these seem to be the only costumes commercially available for women (and I also have a huge problem when these same slutty costumes are being offered in sizes for a FIVE YEAR OLD, but that’s another post altogether.)

(end tangent).

Anyway, a girl dressed up as something completely unremarkable won the contest and so I approached Ms. Scissorhands and effusively told her that, in my humble opinion, SHE should have won, how her costume was fabulous, could I maybe take a picture of her? Did she want to go for coffee and become my new best friend but only if she kept wearing the Scossorhands costume? Is that weird? Hahaha I was kidding! Totally joking! Oh god there are such weirdos out at Halloween hey? But seriously if you wanted to wear it again that would be cool, and- hey! Maybe dinner instead of coffee? I’ll feed you because it’ll probably be hard to eat with those adorable scissorhands, I’ll pick you up at say 7 o’clock tomorrow?

It was weird guys,  she didn’t even answer me, she just looked sort of scared- SO good at staying in character, right?!

But for serious. Nothing compares to my love of Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands (no Gosling, not even you. Wait Ryan, RYAN! Stick around..Johnny’s married! You still have a chance buddy!)

And, to cap things off, of course you knew this was going to happen.

                                  

Doesn’t he look good in aviators? I wish he could wear them all the time. It’s also good to know that when Adam and I eventually have a real baby, Gus can finally start pulling his weight by carrying it- babies seem like they’re pretty heavy and lord KNOWS I don’t have the upper arm strength for that business.

Gus’ ACTUAL costume will be revealed tomorrow when we dress him up to lessen the effect of a 170lb dog barking panickedly at the sight of pint-sized ghouls and goblins on our doorstep.

Happy Halloween!

                  

This Is Halloween

Every year I decide THIS will be the year I think of an awesome costume and do something epic (EPIC!).

Instead, every year ends up being the year we dress up our dog and sit at home in  normal clothes, waiting for Trick-or-Treaters and scrapping over the last peanut butter cup.

But not THIS YEAR! (cue sighs and head shaking)

I’ve been trying to steal costume ideas from the kids I work with but they’re giving me nothin’ – Dick in a box? Really? A COW? A slutty rainbow? As October wore on I began to realize that I would need to find my inspiration somewhere else.

Also: I want to do a couple costume. Look, I know couple costumes are the WORST, but I’ve been part of a couple for almost ten years and I’ve never done one. Isn’t there some sort of freebie program? Date someone for ten years and you get a free pass for either a couples costume or matching sweaters at Christmas?

Here are the three options I am considering, three days before the Halloween fun goes down.

                                 

1. Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod (Body Breeeeaaakk! Keep fit and have fun!) If you don’t know who these people are, you are probably 16 and never watched basic cable. I feel sorry for you. I’ve been trying to get this costume off the ground for five years and Adam refuses. What’s not to like? I get to do mall bangs, Adam gets to grow a mustache, and we wear matching tracksuits and harass our friends by doling out random fitness tips all night, “Hey Kate! Did you know that if you drink directly from the giant bottle of whiskey instead of pouring it into a glass you’ll be giving your triceps a real workout? Body Breeeaaaak! Keep fit and have fun!”.

Negotiations pending.

                                          

2. HeMan and She-Ra. Adam would like me to inform you that HeMan’s real name is Adam, and thus the two share an affinity of sorts, which I, a mere mortal, could never hope to understand.

I am undecided on this one. Pro’s include I get to wear a blonde wig, ADAM gets to wear a blonde wig, I get to stuff my bra (just like high school!) and play a superhero, which I’ve never done before. Significant Con’s include the amount of time and effort it would take to construct these costumes, as well the abject terror I felt hearing Adam discuss how he’d need to shave his legs and get a spray tan to look good enough in his fur mankini.

Awkwaaarrrddd.

I also have negative childhood associations with this costume because my brother had a HeMan figurine and the whole Castle Greyskull setup complete with Battle Cat. At the time I was already walking the line between cool buddy and obnoxious little sister when I accidentally left Battle Cat too close to the fireplace and he melted. My mom bought him a regular tiger figurine but it (obviously) wouldn’t suffice and my brother was furious. He hasn’t talked to me since.

Probably out, due to costume complexity and the potential for Adam to be seen by anyone, anywhere, wearing a fur mankini,

                  

3. MY FAVORITE! A little dated, but when do these crazy kids go out of style?! Margot and Richie Tenenbaum from one of my favorite movies, The Royal Tenenbaums. LOVE.

Adam pretty much already has the hair and can grow a beard in about ten minutes, and I just have to track down a fur coat and ten sticks of eyeliner. I’m really pulling for this one.

Alarming fail-potential, especially since there is a whole blog dedicated to Royal Tenenbaum costume failures. I lived through DuckFace, I’m not sure I could survive this.

4. Options that might happen due to lack of planning:

Wall St Protester and Banker:  I think this one will be really overdone, but Adam has a suit and I have long hair and can quickly make a sign out of cardboard, so it’s pretty simple

Steve Jobs and an Apple: He wears a black turtleneck and mom jeans, I wear all red. BOOM.

What are you being? Let me steal your ideas. PLEASE? We probably live in different states and maybe even different countries! No one will know! I NEED THIS!