The Better to Eat You With, My Dear

Happy Halloween! We just got back from Trick or Treating and I am all full of giddy, wholesome fun (and candy. Many, many candy.)

If I know you guys and I think I do, you have been on tenterhooks waiting to see what our family costume was.

I KNOW. I can’t believe I made you wait so long either! It’s just that my nephew wasn’t going to just swindle himself out of that tiny bag of Cheetos, so, I mean, priorities.

(Cheetos always get #1 priority in this house.)

Alright, without any further ado, our only-slightly-embarrassing family costume, beginning with the best part:

Oh hi, Little Red Riding Won’t Keep Her Hood On! Aren’t you just adorable!

Say, do you have ridiculous parents kicking around here in cringeworthy costumes that will come back to haunt them in years to come? Oh you DO?


Guys, those glasses were $3, and I powdered my hair with cornstarch.

Now I’m not saying that the Grandma look is my best look, but what I am saying is that when I go grey (and I may or may not be already waging a war against 3-4 pesky strands every few weeks over here, so at this point it’s not if, it’s when) I don’t think I’ll look half bad.

I might even be so bold as to call myself…a silver fox?


One more?

And here’s a funny story that gives a little peep into the dynamics of my marriage. I like to plan things, especially festivites. So I planned Olive’s birthday forever, I spent a few weeks thinking of this costume and gathering bits and pieces for it, and throughout all the stages of the planning Adam’s attitude can be summed up as nonchalant. He’s not disinterested per se, but he definitely isn’t in there tossing ideas around or anything.

Then, EVERY TIME. Every single time, at the last second he gets SUPER into it. Like a little too into it for my liking. And then all of a sudden he is all up in my business trying to help me make this cake I have been thinking about for three months and he is just measuring almond flour and stirring chocolate and sifting things and he doesn’t even know the plan! Or he decides that if he is going to be a wolf, there’s no way he’s just going to let his wife draw a nose on him with an old eyeliner pencil goddammit. 

No, if Adam’s going to dress up as a wolf he’s going to do it RIGHT.

So he gets onto the good old Internets and finds a pattern and prints it and goes to town with scissors and a mandarin orange box and he crafts himself that gorgeous snout you see above. He covered it with the same fabric I used to make the ears, coloured the nose on with a sharpie and used hockey tape to cover the teeth.

And despite my bossy bossing, he was right and damn does it look cute! Way better than if we just had some wild-eyed kitten looking thing following us around with a smudged nose.

Olive loved trick or treating. I felt slightly ashamed because every so often the person putting the candy into Olive’s little basket would stand up and I would look at them and our eyes would meet and it was silently understood that this child, this adorable Little Red Riding Hood would never be actually eating any of that candy. It was slightly awkward so that’s when you brightly shout “Thank you! Happy Halloween!” and rush to the next house, letting your shame be tamped down by the ever-growing mound of too-small chocolate bars nestled in the basket amongst the red checkered fabric.

By the fifth or sixth house she started yelling as soon as we started up the walkway, trying to imitate her cousins as they called trick or treat! And by the tenth house I swear she actually said “Tiikoooteeet” and I have my five-year old nephew as a witness and thank god because no one else heard it.  We couldn’t get her to replicate it after that, but it was pretty cool.

(Not cool enough to let her have any of her candy, but I did let her chew on the wrappers and that’s sort of the same?)

Finally, we carved pumpkins last night and in an ode to her first real Halloween, the first one where she isn’t a three-week old lump in my arms, we carved her a very classic sort of pumpkin, and decked it out with teeth just like hers. Two bottom teeth, two front teeth, and one and a half side teeth (seriously what are those called? The ones beside the front ones?)


Happy Halloween!


I have come up with a deeelightful family Halloween costume this year – oh yes, I am going to push the the family costumes until either Adam or Olive rebels. Who will crack first? How far can I push this? Stay tuned!

Anyway. I thought I’d compile some photos from our costumes in previous years, in no particular order.

As always, Gus wins.


Gus circa 2011, as Alan from The Hangover





2012, Olive as a bunny, me as a bleary-eyed new mom, proud that she showered today.

2012, Olive as a bunny, me as a bleary-eyed new mom, proud that she showered today.



2011. Adam as Alan from The Hangover (who wore it better?) and would you look at those pants?! Me as a witch.

2011. Adam as Alan from The Hangover (who wore it better?) and would you look at those pants?!
Me as a witch.

2010. You’re welcome for the modesty patch.



Umm.. the nineties sometime? Maybe 1990? Making me seven...ish? A SPIDER! Check our all of those homemade costumes. Nary a franchise or licensed character to be seen.

Umm.. the nineties sometime? Maybe 1990? Making me seven…ish? A SPIDER! Check our all of those homemade costumes. Nary a franchise or licensed character to be seen.


Three week old Olive. Oh my gahhhh so little look at those hands I need a moment.

Three week old Olive. Oh my gahhhh so little look at those hands I need a moment.



2005, me as a lion. Rawr. I kind of like the crimped hair look.

2005, me as a lion. Rawr. I kind of like the crimped hair look.

aaaand this:

Gus as Lady Gaga. Lady Da-Ga?

See? Gus always wins.

Olive and I are heading out today to gather a few extra bits and pieces for our costumes, the better to dress up with my dear!






Last night was hilarious. I keep having to remind myself that Halloween proper hasn’t happened yet – the big kids have had their party and now it’s time for the REAL kids. I guess I should get some Halloween candy or something?

As for these big kids, after much procrastinating and dillydallying, at 5:00pm yesterday I decided that Halloween was happening and we were going out that night and we were going to have fun dammit!

I started racing around to the second hand stores in our town looking for something quick and cheap to put together. Maybe it was because of the Zach Galifianakis kick I’ve been on lately but when I saw a baby carrier I knew Adam had to go as the one-man wolf pack from The Hangover.

I managed to find a cabbage patch doll, onesie and baby toque and a friend lent Adam some white jeans (OH MY GOD the tightest jeans I’ve ever seen on Adam in my entire life, it was awesome I never had to ask him if he had his keys or his phone because I could see them. IN HIS PANTS).

As for me, I happened across a delightful black wig with bangs and volume and curls and oooh la la! I had to have it, so I began brainstorming what I could possibly dress up as that would necessitate the wearing of a luxe black wig. Unfortunately my brain was fried and shops were closing in five minutes so I decided on the old standby – a witch.

I used my dress from the glamour photos, bought some tights, painted my nails and applied false eyelashes – a $1.99 hat later and *cue witchy cackle* I was ready to wreak havoc.


Adam got a little…attached to the wig. I’m not going to lie to you, it got weird. He may have drunkenly cried when I took it off at the end of the night. But hey! Just another topic for when we eventually end up in marital therapy! (man are we going to get our moneys worth because this list is getting LONG.)

We met up with some friends (one dressed in an amazing Poison Ivy costume) and early at some point during the evening Adam popped out to the liquor store for provisions.

Apparently on the way there someone saw him walking and obviously didn’t get the movie reference, “Oh man! Great costume!” he said enthusiastically, “Nothing’s scarier than a dude with a baby!”

Adam was caught off guard (I like to imagine that his brain exploded with the possibility that someone with a penis has NOT seen The Hangover) and as he struggled to regain his sense of time and space and his particular place in the universe, the guy continued, “Ooh and look, it’s like the baby’s high fiving!”

Aaaaand so for the rest of the night, if anyone asked what Adam was, the answer invariably came, “Man with high-fiving baby”.

Costumes I wish I had thought of:

BLACK SWAN! Oh my god! Why?! I would have LOVED to be Black Swan! I saw it done twice, and both times it was poorly executed, I would have ROCKED the shit out of that costume (if the component parts were available to be purchased at 5:00pm that evening, that is)

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: A girl at the bar had this costume, she looked absolutely amazing. She had applied scars to her face and everything! I think I freaked her out a little because there was a costume contest and she didn’t win (I KNOW) but first of all, before we get to that particular injustice, there’s this one: a man dressed up as a Mexican, in a costume bought IN A BAG from WalMart was also one of the runner-ups.

Hey buddy, you can’t buy your costume in a BAG from WalMart for $19.99 and win a costume contest. How do I know it was from WalMart? Because during my panicked hunt for costumes I remember taking three precious minutes to stand in front of the costume display ranting about “how could a multinational corporation possibly be selling this schlock?!” and “Being Mexican is a culture, a nationality, an ethnicity – NOT A COSTUME FOR FUCK SAKES!”

Then, (oh dear, this tangent is growing) I happened across these posters and thought it was fabulous that this was finally being addressed.


          (Image via Resistance to Racist Halloween Costumes, on Sociological Images)

I don’t have a problem with girls dressing up in slutty costumes, I’m not really into slut-shaming, I DO however have a problem with the fact that these seem to be the only costumes commercially available for women (and I also have a huge problem when these same slutty costumes are being offered in sizes for a FIVE YEAR OLD, but that’s another post altogether.)

(end tangent).

Anyway, a girl dressed up as something completely unremarkable won the contest and so I approached Ms. Scissorhands and effusively told her that, in my humble opinion, SHE should have won, how her costume was fabulous, could I maybe take a picture of her? Did she want to go for coffee and become my new best friend but only if she kept wearing the Scossorhands costume? Is that weird? Hahaha I was kidding! Totally joking! Oh god there are such weirdos out at Halloween hey? But seriously if you wanted to wear it again that would be cool, and- hey! Maybe dinner instead of coffee? I’ll feed you because it’ll probably be hard to eat with those adorable scissorhands, I’ll pick you up at say 7 o’clock tomorrow?

It was weird guys,  she didn’t even answer me, she just looked sort of scared- SO good at staying in character, right?!

But for serious. Nothing compares to my love of Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands (no Gosling, not even you. Wait Ryan, RYAN! Stick around..Johnny’s married! You still have a chance buddy!)

And, to cap things off, of course you knew this was going to happen.


Doesn’t he look good in aviators? I wish he could wear them all the time. It’s also good to know that when Adam and I eventually have a real baby, Gus can finally start pulling his weight by carrying it- babies seem like they’re pretty heavy and lord KNOWS I don’t have the upper arm strength for that business.

Gus’ ACTUAL costume will be revealed tomorrow when we dress him up to lessen the effect of a 170lb dog barking panickedly at the sight of pint-sized ghouls and goblins on our doorstep.

Happy Halloween!